Monday, March 23, 2009

~Her Words Are Silenced~

~Her Words Are Silenced~
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a room filled with people. Screaming at the top of my lungs, and NO ONE turns and notices me. It's like my voice is unheard by others. Why is it people feel the need to ask ya questions, yet they don't act interested in ya response? Do they ask of politeness yet they could careless?
Lately I find my self not wanting to talk to anyone except online. Why? Because my friends online actually read what I write. I am heard and responded to. Sad isn't it? That I would prefer the company of faces I've only seen through photos? Whose words touch me deeper then those who are supposed to love me? Don't get me wrong this isn't a pity party I'm having for myself. It's just a observation that I am making.
I've been working on the book The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.
Makes ya delve deep inside yaself and face obsticles which keep ya from being creative. I've noticed through this process how I've allowed people to dictate how my life should go. How I've allowed people to use up my creativeness and not replenish it. I've made decisions the past year that friends and family have questioned. I put it to them this way. I've allowed others to dictate my world for so long, that it's time I do what I want to do. They may not like my way but that's ok. I have to do what makes me happy.
I've been wanting to create art and write my book. And I've allowed others to speak negativity to me. I've allowed those words to penetrate my mind and soul, to stifle my creative world. Now I'm taking action and doing what I need to do to create and bring myself back to life.
I am looking forward to see how far I will grow in my art.
Changes I've made have included ending an 18 year friendship.I ended this friendship when I tried to bring it to her attention my hurt.She refused to accept my feelings. This person was a best friend who could not be there when I need her the most. I was with her and another friend, who had asked me how Mamma was. Because she had surgery that day. I am in the middle of pouring out my heart and tears streaming down my face, explaining how the doctors believe it's a matter of time. When my "Best Friend" interupts me mid-sentence and changes the subject. I sat in disbelief! My other friend even registered shock on her face. I knew then that my so called Best Friend could not be there when I needed her. I was there for her when she lost her father who she never met. Yet she couldn't be there for me, and she knew Mamma personally.
I've also quit jumping and doing for others even when my spirit is screaming no. I used to always do things, or go places I didn't want to for others. Afraid to hurt their feelings. But when it comes right down to it, Why should I do what I don't want to do? Why can't I be honest with them, and they accept my answer when I say no to something? Why do they feel the need to convince me to do this or go here? I've made it clear I won't be talked into something when I know my Spirit is telling me not to. God gives us this inner voice for a reason and I need to start to listen. Every time I've gone against my inner spirit I've been the one to pay the price.
I've also changed how I view my art, and how I need to have everything in it's place before I can create. Yes, most of my art supplies are still packed away and I moved a year ago. Yes, I sleep in a bathtub until I can set up my room. (Don't ask me why, I'll make that my next entry for ya) lol But I DO have some supplies unpacked, and I'm working with what I have. I'm not one who will run out and but extra supplies knowing I have them already.
As ya can see from the picture above that I am working on my inner muse. No this isn't a self portrait of any kind. It's actually an accident which I LOVE! I was drawing her out with my pencil and decided to let loose. I pulled out my Chalk Pastels and played around with them. I really like her eyes. I'm happy with how she turned out and I call this piece "Her Words Are Silenced" The reason why I'm calling it that is, I was thinking of my childhood and the silence which I was forced into.I plan on using her for my Poetry book since I have a poem which fits well with it. So far I've done four pictures for my book. This is one of the things I've been putting off doing for the sake of others.
I have the approval of Lil Love on this picture.
In fact I will tell ya what Lil Love thought of this one picture. She said it in one word. "COOL!" then she ran and showed it to Mamma and said "Ni Ni colored, cool" Such an honest response from an almost two year old. Lil Love has an opinion on all my art work. She sees them as I take pictures of them to post. I remember one piece I drew, she laid it on the couch and crossed her arms staring at it. She then jumped up and started chatting away. I teasingly asked her what she didn't like about it. She points to my picture and starts explaining, I wish I understood her and her helpful tips to improve on my picture. Lil Love likes to look at ALL my pictures, and if it's one she likes she tries to keep them. I have to confess I almost lost this one to her.


Shell said...

I'm sorry you had to end your relationship with your one of you bests. I know that was a hard choice.
We need to be surrounded by people who support and nourish us. As I get older, I see how imperative it is.
I'm happy you know all of us here listen and hear you!!

Marylin Houle said...

From the sounds of it, you're making some great, positive changes/decisions so I say good for you! Keep it up and don't ever feel like having friends online is any less important than friends in person... the world has changed and if you find people online that make you happy, embrace it baby!

Love you :)

K said...

I agree with you Shell! It is amazing how things we may not want to become clear to us, do in our older age! It seemed so much easier when we were less aware. I really like your drawing and the first thing I noticed without reading your entry first were her eyes. They are deep, they are sad, they are wise.
Have a great night!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the comment about my art. It's good to know others are in a process. I understand how you feel. I myself am finding there I things that I need to let go of that are hindering me and holding me back, people, things, thought processes. More and more every day I'm coming to the conclusion that on that final day only I will stand before God no one to the left or the right of me so I have to listen to "that inner voice". Sending hugs your way!
{{I do love the eyes on your piece as well}}

faerie enchantment said...

I agree with everyone! We do need to be surrounded by people who understand us and support our mental well being, sprinkling us with positivity.

The older I get I realize just how important I am to my ownself, and have cut the nay-sayers out of my life, I have no tolerance for selfiness and negativity.

Always remember: Believe Believe Believe in yourself, you can achieve anything!


mermaid musings said...

i am so glad for blogs!
you are not alone and you are loved ;-)

Renee said...

It seems to me like broken is getting fixed.

Clap clap clap.

Very well written post and I am so very sorry for all the hurt that you have suffered.

Thinking about you getting stronger.

Love Renee xoxo

Lydia said...

You know, they have on-line sites that make it easy to print your book through the computer as you go. Maybe this would work out for you?

Keep working on your art and poems. Others who don't understand, will accept it eventually. Sometimes those closest to us don't really see us. It just means we have to share that aspect with others. I say, love them,say a prayer for them, and let them go. If they are meant to stay in our lives, a new relationship will develop.

An Evolving Artist @ Swallowcliffs said...

Your comments on "setting your creative self free" from others needs and wants are so true. You go girl! Love your beautiful girls!