Friday, April 30, 2010

~Lil Love's Special Friend Olivia~

~Lil Love's Special Friend Olivia~
I follow (actually I stalk, lol ) a wonderful lady by the name Rice Freeman-Zachery.
Her blog is
If ya want to have fun and laugh just read her entries. She's a no nonsense kind of gal, who tells it like it is. LOVE HER! By the way I'm wantcha to know she has a book out!

This is my high five plug for her. She didn't ask me to do it but I am.
I like to support my friends where I can.
The reason why I'm mentioning Rice, is because in one of her entries she posted she wanted to find new homes for old toys she had. One of them happened to be a baby doll. No one claimed the lil baby so I asked Rice if she would send it my way. Because I was sure she would find a loving mama in Lil Love. Rice in her explanation of the baby with pictures she provided said this baby had no eyes. I thought it wouldn't matter to Lil Love. I had told Lil Love that Ms. Rice was going to be sending her a special baby in the mail. I even went so far as to show her the pictures that Rice had posted so she would get an idea of what was to come. Lil Love noticed right away the baby was wearing overalls and had red shoes on. Excuse me her exact words were "Nina that baby is wearing rojo shoes" I smiled and said yes her shoes are red. I asked her what color were the overalls and she said "verde" (which means green in Spanish) Lil Love surprises me every day.
When the package came I was excited. I couldn't wait to see what Lil Love thought of the new baby. Unfortunately I had to wait till she woke from her nap. When she did, I told her that her special prize from Ms. Rice had come. We opened the box and Lil Love picked up the postcard. I read the note Rice had written. "Thank you for giving the baby a home!" Lil Love said "Ya welcome!" lol She slowly removed the tissue paper covering the baby. And the first thing she did when she took her out of the box was hug her! I took pictures of her with the new baby but I won't bore ya with them except for the one above. She immediately asked what the babys name was. We told her she needed to pick one, She chose Olivia for her. She then asked where the babys eyes were and Mama and I explained she was a blind baby who couldn't see. Her reply "That's why she's special!" She took Olivia's hand and said "Nice to meetcha Olivia" Her Mama and I smiled.
What amazed me about Lil Love was how she asked for "Quinn" (it's my Ipod she named) Then she sat on my bed got comfy. And with her arm wrapped around Olivia she explained to Olivia how to play games on Nina's Ipod. She played Curious George and described every picture and the colors to Olivia. She spoke to Olivia about everything that was going on with each game she played. She gave Olivia kisses and hugs and was very happy to have a new friend. Lil Love even went so far as to introduce her to our kitty Elan.
I'm am thrilled to let Rice know that her baby found a very loving home with Lil Love. It goes to show ya that children have no objections to people who are different. Most adults could learn a thing or two from a child. Lil Love showed her Mama and me how huge her heart is and I'm proud to say she's my Lil Love.
Note to Rice:
Thank ya ever so much for bringing joy into Lil Love's life. She's absolutely adores Olivia. It's because of you she has a new friend. Thanks for being generous in sending her our way.
Hugs, Poe

Saturday, April 3, 2010


When the time comes for ya to breathe ya last breath, Will ya have any regrets about how ya lived ya life? I'm not speaking of the "I regret I didn't kiss Billy Bob Johnny while I had the chance." or "I wished I had been a mechanic instead of a dentist." What I'm asking is when the time comes for ya to meet God will ya have any regrets on how ya lived ya life in regards to others?
My Mother passed away today. April 3, 2010. She was in all sense and purpose the woman who gave me life. Most people know I grew up abused and most of it at her hands. This is in no way to pay her back by bashing her, Far from it. I'm writing this to enlighten people about moving forward with ya life with no regrets. I hid my abuse from everyone when I was growing up. Not even my closest friends in school knew my dark secret. I lived a life of fake smiles and happiness, Because I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me. I shoved my feelings deep down and put others first. Believing if I could make them happy then what I endured was a small price to pay. I never believed I was entitled to any happiness, just misery. Every day I begged God to send me someone who could love me no matter what. I didn't know as a child my Mother & Father loved me to the best of their abilities. Right or Wrong in their mind they loved me.
It wasn't until I married and had children of my own that I learned why I endured all the abuse. One day I felt a strong conviction to confront my Mother. I had written a letter before hand, Fear that I might have forgotten to mention certain situations in my rush to expell all I was feeling. She read my letter first and then laid it on the table and replied "Well, what do ya want me to say?" I wasn't shocked by her response. I just told her I needed her to forgive me for the past. I truly believe that's the first time I ever shocked my Mother. She asked me why and I explained. "The forgiveness is for every time I wished ya dead, or hit by a huge mack truck while growing up. For every time ya laid ya hands on me or allowed my sexual abuse to go on. For the nightmares & flashbacks I still endure. I need to be forgiven for all the hate I sent ya way." She forgave me even though she didn't think she needed to forgive me, that it was her that needed to ask me to forgive her. Then she enlightened me about what she had learned. "People didn't talk about such things like they do now. I did what I was taught, and my parents did before me. Doesn't make it right, it's just how things were. I'm sorry for everything."
People need to learn something. When ya hate someone, that person has no idea ya hating them. They're out living their life while ya waste yas hating them. So when ya ask someone to forgive ya it's not so much for them as it is for the release and pace of mind to yaself.
My Mother may not have been the best parent, Yet I learned to forgive her for how I grew up. I was able to have a relationship with her that was cordial. My Mother was dying from Alzheimers. I didn't see her while she was this way. The last time I seen my Mother it was really good. I could tell she was in the beginning stages of her disease. I wanted to remember my Mother as she was in that moment. Not her not knowing who I was. I guess apart of me was afraid it would bring back those times as a child of being ignored, and that I didn't matter to her. I wanted to remember a good memory of her. One where she was laughing at me for a dare I pulled off much to my sis Anita's dismay. My sis had dared me to wear a doo rag on my head and a bra & thong over my clothes and walk around her apartment complex.Then I was to knock on my parents door to show them, She had my other sister follow me to make sure I did it. My Mother about fell over with laughter at the sight of me. Believe me I was a total mess! My Da told her "I always knew ya dropped her more then once!" We had dinner,played cards and just laughed. I didn't want that memory to be replaced with her not remembering me. Does this make me a bad person for not going to see her? NO! Why? Because I know the last time I was with my Mother she hugged me and told me she loved me. That means more to me then having my last memory of her wasting away in forgetfullness. Some people think I'm a horrible person for not seeing her, She was after all my Mother. But deep down I have no regrets, I know if given the choice my Mother would not have wanted any of us (My Da included) to see her die this was. She was ever the strong Italian, Native American woman.
I have some good memories of my Mother from when I was lil. How she took me to King's Daughter's Hospital for my leg braces and we stopped at Arthur Treacher's Fish & Chips for lunch on the way home. "Don't tell ya siblings, it's out secret" she would say. How she stood up for me when a teacher expelled me for writing Jr. on an app test. She made the teacher apologise to me in front of the class, after she showed her my birth certificate which clearly said Poe Jr. (Blame my Da he said I looked like her and filled the birth certificate out) I also remember her asking me "Do ya even know who ya are?" Because I had answered to Anita's name. I told her "Nope, it's ya fault too! For 6 weeks ya called me Cassandra, and then ya find out I'm Poe what gives?" She would always laugh when that got brought up. There are some good memories that Anita and I joke about from time to time.
Would I have changed my childhood, If ya had asked me growing up I would've screamed yes. But knowing what all I learned by enduring what I did, I would say no. I learned to not take real love for granted. To accept that God had his hand in all of my childhood. He blessed me with a man who thinks I'm the next best thing to sliced bread. He loves me with all my imperfections. He walked into my life when I was 13 and I was smitten from the first sight of him. He still owns me heart and soul 30 years later. I was blessed with 3 beautiful children, that I raised without abuse. They were loved, protected and cherished. God blessed me with talents of art and poetry. A way to express myself through all my hurts and fears. I'm not saying I appreciated my abuse, I'm saying I learned to break the cycle, It ended with me!
No one can tell another person how to grieve or how to deal with a death. Ya can only do what's best for you. I know in my heart my Mother knew I loved her the best I could, just like she loved me the best she could. For that I have NO REGRETS. She is my Mother and I will always have a part of her with me. I am after all her namesake.
I Love Ya Ma
~ Always~
Rest In Peace Now