Sunday, March 15, 2009

~Broken In A Million Pieces~

~Broken In A Million Pieces~
Have ya ever felt so broken, that ya actually feel like ya in a million pieces?
I am feeling this way, I 'm really having a hard time writing right now. My eyes are filling with tears. I won't go into great details of why I'm feeling like this. I will say it has to do with the feelings I've pushed down deep inside of me coming to the surface.
When my Mamma (Mother In Law) was dying from Cancer, I had a lot more responsibilities to take care of. When Mamma died a huge hunk of me went with her. Funny isn't it, how I'm speaking of my Mother In Law? Some people think it's not right. What those around me didn't know, was she was more than that to me and I to her.
She was and still is the very existance of who I am. Mamma was the one person who spoke into my life, and changed the uglyness of my childhood into beauty. Mamma showed me what love was truly meant to be on the receiving end. She called me her daughter and never once called me daughter in law. She loved me through and through.
Something happened today (which is what I won't share) That pushed me into this mood. I am broken, and I'm not sure if I can pull myself out of this like I did the last time. I feel as if I just lost Mamma all over again. When Mamma died I had to go through her personal belongings. I felt like a thief rummaging through looking for goods. I felt like I was snooping into her life which I wouldn't want anyone to do to me. I struggled with this, I kept apologizing to Mamma as I sorted, packed, and donated her belongings. I knew Mamma wouldn't mind the donations. She had such a giving heart.
While dealing with Mamma's belongings, I also had to deal with the renovations we were doing to her home. We knew she loved this home and couldn't see someone else living there. This is where I had to push my grief down deeper. I didn't have a minutes peace between working, packing Mamma's things and packing our home for the impending move. I was at full speed and not signs of when it would stop.
With all of this we moved in Mamma's home. I felt bad Mamma couldn't enjoy the changes made to her home. She lived in a 2 bedroom,2 bath home. When it was done her home was a beautiful 4 bedroom 3 full bath home, with a new kitchen. I know she would have loved it. My goal was to finish unpacking my room, and then having Mamma's ashes in my room till I was ready to let her go.
I want to desperately make over the backyard for Mamma. I would like to have a fountain and a beautiful corner bench to sit on. Then an Angel statue beside a Gardenia Bush. I want a plaque made up with Mamma's name and then have Mamma's ashes placed there. I feel this is Mamma's home and always will be. I'm just not ready to let her go yet.
I know all of this sounds insane since Mamma is already with her Lord. I told her I would see her again and she said yes. Our last moments together play over and over in my mind.
I was feeling really sad and needed an Angel. That's when I was Blessed with Mystele!
She posted her latest work here...
I was indeed met with an Angel. Her Angel was so what I needed! Her eyes spoke to me, Gave me a comfort I really need right now. It's like she knows how my heart is aching and she wants to be there for me. I know ya think I'm crazy it's ok. I truly feel her Angel was a unexpected Blessing to me. Sometimes that's all we need to make it through another day.
Here's the Poem I wrote for Mamma with her final words she gave me.

~My Daughter You'll Always Be~
Born not from her womb, But within her heart.
She called me her daughter right from the start.
Our relationship began when I was sixteen,
It wasn't all perfect, it grew gradually.
Through our journey together she repeatly said,
I love you my daughter, Keep that in your head.
Mamma was Gods unique gift you see,
Because I never knew love like she gave to me.
No one is concerned about me losing my Mamma,
They don't think to ask, they don't even bother.
Though people call me just the daughter-in-law,
When Mamma looked at me, a daughter she saw.
No one understands the depth of love that we shared,
They never saw how much each of us cared.
I never knew I could lose Mamma unexpectedly,
Her final words mean ever so much more to me.
Mamma left me with one final memory,
She held my face gently as she said to me.
I love you forever, I've loved you for so long,
Know in my heart is where you belong.
I started to cry as she spoke to me,
I love you forever, My daughter you'll always be.
Poetic Dreams ©October 13th,2007


mystele said...

thinking of you

K said...

Your poem is so touching...made me cry! I hope your brokeness is very temporary and you start to put the pieces back together again. I strongly believe that you will. Draw on the strength Mamma surely instilled in you. Hugs

Shell said...

Time doesn't erase the loss of losing someone we love.
My Uncle was more my father to me than my own father. I can understand your mother-in-law was more your mamma than your own. There is nothing wrong with that at all.
Just take time and just feel your feelings. Hugs to you, Poetic Dreams.

An Evolving Artist @ Swallowcliffs said...

Hello: I am so sad that you are feeling "all in pieces!" I just wanted to stop by and tell you thanks for your encouraging and sweet comments on my blog. I really appreciate it. I hope that some peace and calm can come into your life soon. Please keep visiting me. Your blog is beautiful and I enjoy your writing!

Renee said...

I hope you are doing alright.

Your Mama sounds like a beautiful person and I am sure that she would want you to be happy.


Kelly Kilmer said...

What a beautiful tribute!!

Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog from Misty Mawn's. I was about to move on until I saw the words mother-in-law. I thought this is probably someone ranting about their mother-in-law, let me check it out, because me and mother-in-law are best friends and we are always fighting to justify our relationship to others who don't get it.

I was pleasantly surprised!! Someone else out there gets it! I'm so glad I came across your site. See I met my mother-in-law at work 13 years ago. She reached out to me when I was going through horrible things in my life. We hung out together her and her husband took me in, loved me and led me to the Lord who I am now passionately in love with. All this led up to me meeting their only son and marrying him. But my relationship to my mother-in-law has never changed. She's my best friend and 2nd mother. I call her every day on my way to work. I couldn't imagine life without her. She calls me her daughter as well (she never had a daughter of her own). We love each other so much and no one gets it, people are shocked that we have such a friendship. We've just concluded that their jealous! It breaks our heart that other's can't experience this unique relationship. It's not perfect it's had it's ups and downs but it stands the test of time. But I love breaking down people's mind set of a mother-in-law, when I tell a story about mine. As soon as I say mother-in-law , the groan comes along with poor thing. And I saw what? My mother-in-law is my best friend!! People can't fathom it. Mother-in-law's get such a bad rap. I'm so sorry for rambling and more sorry for your loss because I know what a HUGE loss it would be for me. Sending prayers of comfort your way. I hope you don't mind I'm going to send this link to my mother-in-law today. As soon as I read your poem I said this would be perfect for my mother in law for Mother's Day.

Diane Duda said...

It's always hard to get on with life after such a devastating loss. I hope that sharing your thoughts and beautiful poem will help.
Consider yourself hugged. :)

Anonymous said...

I got your comment and posted it. I don't mind you hunting me down;). Thank you so much for all your kind words. I will give my momma extra hugs and kisses when I see her tonight in church and send up special prayers for you! Be blessed. said...

I feel your PAIN...
tears flow easy
when we love so much...
all my love
mona & the girls...
hope you see the sun today..

Renee said...

I believe you have the correct idea on housework. xoxo

Love Renee

faerie enchantment said...

I have been broken in a million pieces as well, with the loss of my best friend, my grandmother, she was my rock, but now I know she is shining on me above, sending her warmth and protection, my other angel, so I do know what you are feeling. When we love someone it can be hard to get over the pain, but just know she will always be there for you.

There is magic and a brilliant light at the end of this dark tunnel, a world of pure bliss, and warmth, Stay strong!

Sending loads of magic and joy to you!

K said...

Thank you for your input regarding my question on doing prints. Sometimes I just feel like I am swimming upstream without a lifevest with this art stuff!! I love painting and creating but then am still seeking out where to go from there! I hope today finds you feeling a bit put back together and still not in a million pieces! xoxox

Mary said...

Okay sweetie, first of all you are not crazy. The feelings you are feeling are normal, especially if you buried them when she first passed away and did not process them. Grieving is a process honey, it ebbs and flows. God will give you what you need at the moment you need it, not before.

You were her daughter-in-love!!! You are blessed to have had her in your life, sounds like she was a needful blessing in your life.

Sweetie, remember that as much as she loved you, that God loves you more, and is there for you.

So feel the sad, hurtful feelings, don't push them away, but lay them at God's feet. It's okay to grieve.

Blessings on you!!

mermaid musings said...

thinking of you today ...

Lydia said...

What a Beautiful Poem! Your heart was wide open when you wrote this.Im sure she felt your love and tears in Heaven:)

PS- Thank you for all your hugs:)

Karin said...

none of your feelings are crazy, and all those million pieces will come together again - they just may be rearranged. I am so happy to know that you have had such loving unconditional support in your life. the grieving process has a life of it's own, and I have faith that your creative spirit will ride the waves to come through the other side with deeper wisdom, compassion, and hope, which you will inevitably share with others.
blessings to you, Karin

Joyfulsister said...

I found your blog while visiting Pam. I can so relate to this post I also had a woman like your her in my life. Memories of her and all that we had together will forever stay in my heart, and that is where she is, and will be forever remain. I too love to write poetry and express myself through writing. It is so good to meet other writers and fellow poets.

Joyfulsister said...

I added you as well my sister, Thanks you for honesty, and courage to share. Your light will shine through the darkness and touch hearts in ways you never thought it would.

Hugz Lorie

trisha too said...

it's not like the sad goes away, it just changes; however, this sounds like you didn't get a good chance to have a thorough sad time for your Mamma, with all the busy stuff you had to do. it will get better again (and worse, and better!) Nope, you don't sound crazy at all--at least not to anyone who has ever lost someone they love. said...

My eyes are full of tears. I am sending you a hug. Loss is so painful I know... What a poem... Hugs again, xoxo

An Evolving Artist @ Swallowcliffs said...

Hi you! I just thought I would come by and tell you I liked drawing on the pages of the book. The paper has a nice feel to it, and, surprisingly enough, it is very easy to erase when needed. I was going to trash the book anyway, so, just gave it a shot. Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving me such nice comments!

Carol B. said...

What a beautiful poem, and how blessed you are to have shared such a beautiful relationship with your mother-in-law. I am wishing you peace and comfort.
Carol B.

Lydia said...

Thank you for your sweet words re: the award:) How are you feeling? better I hope:)

Ruby Claire said...

Oh mygoodness, that poem was beautiful, You are such an amazing writer, my heart goes out to you in these tough times. I see you have been so strong! hugs to you! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. xo
P.S Thankyou so much for the award, I will try and remember it for my next post, i really appreciate it, thanks :)
P.P.S You package should be arriving soonish (:

Renee said...

How are you doing? Is everything all right?

Love Renee xoxox

ButterCup said...

Your Poem is just beautiful and very touching, brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry that you're feeling blue. Hang in there, be strong.
I'm sure Mama wants you to be happy and remember that she's watching over you. Ask her to give to strength to get through this.
HUGS. xoxo

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

What a beautiful poem! I don't have a daughter, but I have 3 sons. I hope I can be half the mother in law that you found in yours. How wonderful. I hope you're feeling better♥ Thinking of you, hugs,