~Broken In A Million Pieces~
Have ya ever felt so broken, that ya actually feel like ya in a million pieces?
I am feeling this way, I 'm really having a hard time writing right now. My eyes are filling with tears. I won't go into great details of why I'm feeling like this. I will say it has to do with the feelings I've pushed down deep inside of me coming to the surface.
When my Mamma (Mother In Law) was dying from Cancer, I had a lot more responsibilities to take care of. When Mamma died a huge hunk of me went with her. Funny isn't it, how I'm speaking of my Mother In Law? Some people think it's not right. What those around me didn't know, was she was more than that to me and I to her.
She was and still is the very existance of who I am. Mamma was the one person who spoke into my life, and changed the uglyness of my childhood into beauty. Mamma showed me what love was truly meant to be on the receiving end. She called me her daughter and never once called me daughter in law. She loved me through and through.
Something happened today (which is what I won't share) That pushed me into this mood. I am broken, and I'm not sure if I can pull myself out of this like I did the last time. I feel as if I just lost Mamma all over again. When Mamma died I had to go through her personal belongings. I felt like a thief rummaging through looking for goods. I felt like I was snooping into her life which I wouldn't want anyone to do to me. I struggled with this, I kept apologizing to Mamma as I sorted, packed, and donated her belongings. I knew Mamma wouldn't mind the donations. She had such a giving heart.
While dealing with Mamma's belongings, I also had to deal with the renovations we were doing to her home. We knew she loved this home and couldn't see someone else living there. This is where I had to push my grief down deeper. I didn't have a minutes peace between working, packing Mamma's things and packing our home for the impending move. I was at full speed and not signs of when it would stop.
With all of this we moved in Mamma's home. I felt bad Mamma couldn't enjoy the changes made to her home. She lived in a 2 bedroom,2 bath home. When it was done her home was a beautiful 4 bedroom 3 full bath home, with a new kitchen. I know she would have loved it. My goal was to finish unpacking my room, and then having Mamma's ashes in my room till I was ready to let her go.
I want to desperately make over the backyard for Mamma. I would like to have a fountain and a beautiful corner bench to sit on. Then an Angel statue beside a Gardenia Bush. I want a plaque made up with Mamma's name and then have Mamma's ashes placed there. I feel this is Mamma's home and always will be. I'm just not ready to let her go yet.
I know all of this sounds insane since Mamma is already with her Lord. I told her I would see her again and she said yes. Our last moments together play over and over in my mind.
I was feeling really sad and needed an Angel. That's when I was Blessed with Mystele!
She posted her latest work here...http://mystele.blogspot.com/
I was indeed met with an Angel. Her Angel was so what I needed! Her eyes spoke to me, Gave me a comfort I really need right now. It's like she knows how my heart is aching and she wants to be there for me. I know ya think I'm crazy it's ok. I truly feel her Angel was a unexpected Blessing to me. Sometimes that's all we need to make it through another day.
Here's the Poem I wrote for Mamma with her final words she gave me.
~My Daughter You'll Always Be~
Born not from her womb, But within her heart.
She called me her daughter right from the start.
Our relationship began when I was sixteen,
It wasn't all perfect, it grew gradually.
Through our journey together she repeatly said,
I love you my daughter, Keep that in your head.
Mamma was Gods unique gift you see,
Because I never knew love like she gave to me.
No one is concerned about me losing my Mamma,
They don't think to ask, they don't even bother.
Though people call me just the daughter-in-law,
When Mamma looked at me, a daughter she saw.
No one understands the depth of love that we shared,
They never saw how much each of us cared.
I never knew I could lose Mamma unexpectedly,
Her final words mean ever so much more to me.
Mamma left me with one final memory,
She held my face gently as she said to me.
I love you forever, I've loved you for so long,
Know in my heart is where you belong.
I started to cry as she spoke to me,
I love you forever, My daughter you'll always be.
Poetic Dreams ©October 13th,2007