~Lil Love's Special Friend Olivia~

~Lil Love's Special Friend Olivia~

I follow (actually I stalk, lol ) a wonderful lady by the name Rice Freeman-Zachery.
Her blog is http://voodoonotes.blogspot.com/

If ya want to have fun and laugh just read her entries. She's a no nonsense kind of gal, who tells it like it is. LOVE HER! By the way I'm wantcha to know she has a book out!

This is my high five plug for her. She didn't ask me to do it but I am.

I like to support my friends where I can.

The reason why I'm mentioning Rice, is because in one of her entries she posted she wanted to find new homes for old toys she had. One of them happened to be a baby doll. No one claimed the lil baby so I asked Rice if she would send it my way. Because I was sure she would find a loving mama in Lil Love. Rice in her explanation of the baby with pictures she provided said this baby had no eyes. I thought it wouldn't matter to Lil Love. I had told Lil Love that Ms. Rice was going to be sending her a special baby in the mail. I even went so far as to show her the pictures that Rice had posted so she would get an idea of what was to come. Lil Love noticed right away the baby was wearing overalls and had red shoes on. Excuse me her exact words were "Nina that baby is wearing rojo shoes" I smiled and said yes her shoes are red. I asked her what color were the overalls and she said "verde" (which means green in Spanish) Lil Love surprises me every day.

When the package came I was excited. I couldn't wait to see what Lil Love thought of the new baby. Unfortunately I had to wait till she woke from her nap. When she did, I told her that her special prize from Ms. Rice had come. We opened the box and Lil Love picked up the postcard. I read the note Rice had written. "Thank you for giving the baby a home!" Lil Love said "Ya welcome!" lol She slowly removed the tissue paper covering the baby. And the first thing she did when she took her out of the box was hug her! I took pictures of her with the new baby but I won't bore ya with them except for the one above. She immediately asked what the babys name was. We told her she needed to pick one, She chose Olivia for her. She then asked where the babys eyes were and Mama and I explained she was a blind baby who couldn't see. Her reply "That's why she's special!" She took Olivia's hand and said "Nice to meetcha Olivia" Her Mama and I smiled.

What amazed me about Lil Love was how she asked for "Quinn" (it's my Ipod she named) Then she sat on my bed got comfy. And with her arm wrapped around Olivia she explained to Olivia how to play games on Nina's Ipod. She played Curious George and described every picture and the colors to Olivia. She spoke to Olivia about everything that was going on with each game she played. She gave Olivia kisses and hugs and was very happy to have a new friend. Lil Love even went so far as to introduce her to our kitty Elan.

I'm am thrilled to let Rice know that her baby found a very loving home with Lil Love. It goes to show ya that children have no objections to people who are different. Most adults could learn a thing or two from a child. Lil Love showed her Mama and me how huge her heart is and I'm proud to say she's my Lil Love.

Note to Rice:

Thank ya ever so much for bringing joy into Lil Love's life. She's absolutely adores Olivia. It's because of you she has a new friend. Thanks for being generous in sending her our way.

Hugs, Poe

~Mourning~

~Mourning~

When the time comes for ya to breathe ya last breath, Will ya have any regrets about how ya lived ya life? I'm not speaking of the "I regret I didn't kiss Billy Bob Johnny while I had the chance." or "I wished I had been a mechanic instead of a dentist." What I'm asking is when the time comes for ya to meet God will ya have any regrets on how ya lived ya life in regards to others?

My Mother passed away today. April 3, 2010. She was in all sense and purpose the woman who gave me life. Most people know I grew up abused and most of it at her hands. This is in no way to pay her back by bashing her, Far from it. I'm writing this to enlighten people about moving forward with ya life with no regrets. I hid my abuse from everyone when I was growing up. Not even my closest friends in school knew my dark secret. I lived a life of fake smiles and happiness, Because I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me. I shoved my feelings deep down and put others first. Believing if I could make them happy then what I endured was a small price to pay. I never believed I was entitled to any happiness, just misery. Every day I begged God to send me someone who could love me no matter what. I didn't know as a child my Mother & Father loved me to the best of their abilities. Right or Wrong in their mind they loved me.

It wasn't until I married and had children of my own that I learned why I endured all the abuse. One day I felt a strong conviction to confront my Mother. I had written a letter before hand, Fear that I might have forgotten to mention certain situations in my rush to expell all I was feeling. She read my letter first and then laid it on the table and replied "Well, what do ya want me to say?" I wasn't shocked by her response. I just told her I needed her to forgive me for the past. I truly believe that's the first time I ever shocked my Mother. She asked me why and I explained. "The forgiveness is for every time I wished ya dead, or hit by a huge mack truck while growing up. For every time ya laid ya hands on me or allowed my sexual abuse to go on. For the nightmares & flashbacks I still endure. I need to be forgiven for all the hate I sent ya way." She forgave me even though she didn't think she needed to forgive me, that it was her that needed to ask me to forgive her. Then she enlightened me about what she had learned. "People didn't talk about such things like they do now. I did what I was taught, and my parents did before me. Doesn't make it right, it's just how things were. I'm sorry for everything."

People need to learn something. When ya hate someone, that person has no idea ya hating them. They're out living their life while ya waste yas hating them. So when ya ask someone to forgive ya it's not so much for them as it is for the release and pace of mind to yaself.

My Mother may not have been the best parent, Yet I learned to forgive her for how I grew up. I was able to have a relationship with her that was cordial. My Mother was dying from Alzheimers. I didn't see her while she was this way. The last time I seen my Mother it was really good. I could tell she was in the beginning stages of her disease. I wanted to remember my Mother as she was in that moment. Not her not knowing who I was. I guess apart of me was afraid it would bring back those times as a child of being ignored, and that I didn't matter to her. I wanted to remember a good memory of her. One where she was laughing at me for a dare I pulled off much to my sis Anita's dismay. My sis had dared me to wear a doo rag on my head and a bra & thong over my clothes and walk around her apartment complex.Then I was to knock on my parents door to show them, She had my other sister follow me to make sure I did it. My Mother about fell over with laughter at the sight of me. Believe me I was a total mess! My Da told her "I always knew ya dropped her more then once!" We had dinner,played cards and just laughed. I didn't want that memory to be replaced with her not remembering me. Does this make me a bad person for not going to see her? NO! Why? Because I know the last time I was with my Mother she hugged me and told me she loved me. That means more to me then having my last memory of her wasting away in forgetfullness. Some people think I'm a horrible person for not seeing her, She was after all my Mother. But deep down I have no regrets, I know if given the choice my Mother would not have wanted any of us (My Da included) to see her die this was. She was ever the strong Italian, Native American woman.

I have some good memories of my Mother from when I was lil. How she took me to King's Daughter's Hospital for my leg braces and we stopped at Arthur Treacher's Fish & Chips for lunch on the way home. "Don't tell ya siblings, it's out secret" she would say. How she stood up for me when a teacher expelled me for writing Jr. on an app test. She made the teacher apologise to me in front of the class, after she showed her my birth certificate which clearly said Poe Jr. (Blame my Da he said I looked like her and filled the birth certificate out) I also remember her asking me "Do ya even know who ya are?" Because I had answered to Anita's name. I told her "Nope, it's ya fault too! For 6 weeks ya called me Cassandra, and then ya find out I'm Poe what gives?" She would always laugh when that got brought up. There are some good memories that Anita and I joke about from time to time.

Would I have changed my childhood, If ya had asked me growing up I would've screamed yes. But knowing what all I learned by enduring what I did, I would say no. I learned to not take real love for granted. To accept that God had his hand in all of my childhood. He blessed me with a man who thinks I'm the next best thing to sliced bread. He loves me with all my imperfections. He walked into my life when I was 13 and I was smitten from the first sight of him. He still owns me heart and soul 30 years later. I was blessed with 3 beautiful children, that I raised without abuse. They were loved, protected and cherished. God blessed me with talents of art and poetry. A way to express myself through all my hurts and fears. I'm not saying I appreciated my abuse, I'm saying I learned to break the cycle, It ended with me!

No one can tell another person how to grieve or how to deal with a death. Ya can only do what's best for you. I know in my heart my Mother knew I loved her the best I could, just like she loved me the best she could. For that I have NO REGRETS. She is my Mother and I will always have a part of her with me. I am after all her namesake.

I Love Ya Ma

~ Always~

Rest In Peace Now

~It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn~

~It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn~

Just a short update on what I'm going through.

1st~ Mr. He's due to have another surgery on Thursday the 25th. He came home yesterday and today complaining of more pain. NOT a good sign so I'm worried, trying not to be. Hopefully this surgery could be his last and he'll be healed. I'm tired of seeing him in pain.

2nd~ My Mother (birth) isn't doing very well. My sis said the doctor talked with them about what heroic measures should be taken for her. They said her brain has shrunk because of the Alzheimers. I can't go into detail of what all she's doing it's hard for me right now. I know my Da signed papers for them to not give her feeding tubes & such. He knows he's losing her after 52 years of marriage. He doesn't want to see her suffer any longer. According to my sis and the doctor it could be any day.

A part of me wants to see her. But a part of me doesn't want to remember her, without her remembering me. Sick huh? I want to keep the memory I have of our last time together. Where she was laughing at me for a dare my sis gave me. Will enlighten ya later on that.

I'm trying to keep my face in the sun, trying desperately to keep from finding the darkness in all of what I'm going through. I know it's always darkest before the dawn. I try to keep reminding myself that.

~Poe's Ponderings~

~Poe's Ponderings~

"The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are for loving in the present"~ Barbara de Angelis

I've been going through something of lately, where I'm not sure how I feel about a certain situation. Most who know me, Know my childhood is one in which to put nicely is the now famous movie "Precious". What I'm dealing with is how I feel about my Mother who gave me life, and allowed my circumstance to happen. Don't get me wrong, I've forgiven her and I hold no hatred for her at all. What I'm pondering is this...My mother is suffering from Alzheimers now and I know she will die. My question is "When the time comes will I be grieving for the Mother who gave me life, or for the relationship we could've had?"

Ya see I was blessed with Mr's parents, They loved me and called me Daughter when they introduced me to others. They gave me love & affection I only dreamed my birth parents could've given me. They were the ones I called Mama & Daddy. Both have passed on and I grieved for them as if they had given me life. We had a bond which is almost non-existent wth in-laws.

When I confronted my Mother many years ago about my abuse, I made a prediction. I told her in order for her to allow what happened to me, She herself had to have endured abuse herself. I didn't expect an answer not was I surprised when she didn't deny nor confirm anything. All she said was "People didn't talk about such things the way they do today" I replied "EXACTLY! That's why people expose it to spare innocent children the life-long flashbacks & nightmares I still deal with. My prediction to her was this... "Ya can either tell me now or tell me later in life what happend to you. One way or another all will be revealed."

My sis and I have a close bond, because we both faced what happened to us and forgave and live in the now. My two other sisters can't move beyond the past, they choose to talk about it constantly whenever I speak to them. I have since disconnected with them, because I can't keep talking about it on a daily basis.

Why do I bring this up today? Because my sis had to rush our Mother to the hospital, she thought this could be the end. Her blood sugars were outta control and she was hallucinating badly. My Mother is home now, But the conversation I had with her was disturbing. The medications they have her on are supposed to stall the disease, but it's excellerating it instead. My sis informed me that our Mother has been beating Da. She won't let him touch her or help her shower like she used to. When my sis was giving her, her shower she was saying "The water is too cold mommy" She believed my sis was her mother. This is so heartbreaking to hear. Sis says she's very hostile to our Da, and she doesn't have the heart to tell Da why our Mothers is doing what she's doing. I told her this was her decision to make. I can't tell sis what or how she should feel in this situation. Our mother is showing and expressing what I and my sis endured. We can see the signs by how she is reacting to certain sitautions.

I spoke with Mr. while he was at work to let him know what was going on. I explained that my emotions upon hearing my mother could be dying, wasn't what I went through when Mama was dying. I found this hard to understand, because I'm not a hateful person. A part of me felt sorry she may die, but I can't explain what my mind was going through. All I could think of was "If this woman dies, Will I be able to feel anything?" "Does this make me an unfeeling, careless, heartless person?"

What kind of person doesn't express sadness if and when their parent should die? Mr. assured me I wasn't any of those things. He also said "Watching the movie "Precious" showed him a glimpse of what I grew up with" "How I survived was by the grace of God" I know I'm not a mean or vindictive person. In fact I took care of my abuser before he died, because other family members would't. He was dying of caner and he told his doctors to only release medical information to me. I was pregnant and in the early months, where smells make ya sick. He was ate up with cancer to the marrow and smelled of death. I still took care of him, he died 6 months later, and I cried for him. Don't ask me to even explain why I cried, I just did. Could it have been for the same reasons I'm thinking about my mother? I have no clue. All I know is deep down I harbor no hatred, I've forgiven all parties involved in my childhood.

But the question remains...

"Will I be grieving for the mother who gave me life or for the relationship we could've had?"

~GlutenFree Houston~

www.glutenfreehouston.com

(713-784-7122)

1014 Wirt Rd.

Suite 230

Houston, TX 77055

I received a delightful surprise in the mail. It was from a company called GlutenFree Houston. Now I've never heard of them before, but was excited they heard of me! Most of ya know how hard it is for me to find great tasting goodies to munch on. Inside the package contained two dessert treats for me to try.

Gluten Free Cinnamon Coffee Cake

Gluten Free Carrot Cake.

OH! did they find my weakness, Carrot Cake! I couldn't wait to taste these. I grabbed my camera first, I couldn't just taste the goodies wthout first letting ya see how they were packaged. I also had to have my trusty "NON gluten free eating tasters" to taste test my goodies.

Why do I use them when I'm the one who has to eat gluten free? For a real honest to goodness opinion of the product! Not that my opinion doesn't matter. It's just so ya can have a fair view from someone who isn't on a gluten free diet. And how they feel about eating an item that contains no gluten.

Here's the reviews...

Mr.

Carrot Cake "Moist and sweet, a tasty dessert treat"

Cinnamon Coffee Cake " Mmmm, I really like this one. Can I have another piece?"

He also told me "I'm surprised they were both so moist."

Mr. Java

Carrot Cake "Moist, sweet and tastes just like carrot cake."

Cinnamon Coffee Cake " Sweet and moist"

"I like the carrot cake best."

Ms. JavaGal

Carrot Cake " I like how sweet it is." "I could eat this on a hot summer day, because it's so light"

Cinnamon Coffee Cake "This is a good treat with a cup of coffee, moist too"

Poetic

Carrot Cake " I died and went to heaven! It taste identical to the carrot cake I used to enjoy with gluten"

Cinnamon Coffee Cake " I agreed with JavaGal it's a good treat with cofee"

Now the only downside I seen to the products which were delivered overnight to my home, was the packaging. The containers didn't hold up so well and were dented and one lid was cracked. Other then finding a more durable container to ship them in, the products were quite outstanding!

I was very happy yo be chosen to try these delicious desserts.

Please visit their site, I left the link above as well as the address and phone number. They have the following items to chose from...

Gluten Free sandwich bread

Gluten/Dairy Free sandwich bread

Gluten/Dairy Free hamburger buns

Gluten/Dairy Free dinner rolls

Gluten Free chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, and sugar cookies

Gluten Free brownies (in store pick up only)

GLuten Free Carrot Cake Muffins

Gluten Free White & Chocolate cake & cupcakes

Gluten Free Gingerbread cake

Gluten/Dairy Free frozen bread dough to "take & bake" at home

Gluten Free French Bread frozen dough to "Take & bake" at home

They sound tasty don't they?

I know they can keep me on their product review list! *hint, hint* I'll be more then happy to devour these goodies anytime!

Happy 1 year to Lil Love Creations Blog!

It's amazing how fast a year can go by, Life has a way of interupting ya and changes the plans ya set in motion.
My year has been one of many challenges. One important change is in the health of MR. His health changed in a diection we didn't see coming. The whole time we've been married he has not once been hospitalized. Well Mother's Day last year he was in extreme pain and announced he was heading to the emergency room. Of course when one major thing happens life decides to toss in a bunch more drama for ya to deal with. Won't go into them just suffice it to say I wanted to just toss my hands in the air and scream "I've had enough!"

Seems MR. was diagnoised with pancreatitus. This condition can kill, What made his situation worse was his pancreas is backwards.

I told MR. "So I was right about ya after all!" When he asked me what I meant I said, " I always said ya were ass backwards!" The doc found that funny. So the deal with ya pacreas is when ya born, Ya born with two pancreas and they merge into one. When MR. was born he only weighed 3 lbs. Mamas umbiblical tube connected to MR. was barely open. What amazed the doctor was he didn't have any symptoms till now. So what had happened was a huge cyst surrounded his pancreas and they had to try and get it to go down. Believe me this was not any fun. When they felt it was safe enough they went in to place a stint into his pancreas. The stint is to help dissolve the cyst. They did this by endoscopy (they go through ya mouth). MR. found some relief and nature just needed to run it's course as the cyst tried to dissolve.

MR. Just last week had his second stint surgery. He will need to go back and have a cat scan in 4 weeks, then another stint replacement in June.

He may have to do this till the cyst completely dissolves. It was 7cm now it's 4cm. The reason for the stint changes, is they tend to clog because they're so small. If he had the cyst drain into MR's stomach he could cause different problems. So this was the safest way to heal MR.

What scared me was How close I came to losing him again. The first time was in 2003 when a drunk driver hit him head on while MR. was on his way to work at 6am. The driver was .11 and he didn't get hurt. MR. on the other hand suffered tremendous pain and injuries. So much so the Police Officers explained to me that MR. shouldn't have survived. They said they've seen cars like MR's and it always turned out bad.

Ya could imagine my fear of losing him again with this pancreatitus. He's healing well and believe it or not has lost some weight that he wanted to lose. :) As I was saying Life likes to toss us challenges and My updating my blog was one of them. I never know when I have time to pop on and voice how I'm doing. I know I was just informed that my Summer job will be 7 days a week versus the 6 days. Which means I'm working 10 hour days, 7 days a week. Not sure how this will fit into my blog time. But I will try and keep up when the time presents itself.

I know most people give a prize for their Blogoversary, I think I might do that too!

I want to give a shout out to TEENA IN TORONTO! She sent me Blogoversary wishes. Ya can check out her Blog here: http://www.teenaintoronto.com/

Read her entry about dinner with Mr. Chia Kitty.

If ya leave me ya name, I'll have Lil Love choose a winner to win a lil something from me. I won't tell ya what it is. If I did it wouldn't be a prize would it? lol

I think I'll give this 1 month for people to enter.

I want to take the time to thank my loyal readers,

I appreciate the wonderful words of support and love.

I especially appreciate ya taking this journey with me.

~Gluten-Free Essentials Review~

http://www.glutenfreeessentials.com/

~Gluten Free Essentials Review~

Chocolate Mint Fudge Brownie Mix

Lemon Poppy Seed Bread & Muffin Mix

Finished Lemon Poppy Seed Muffin

I received a surprise package in the mail a few days ago. What was funny was, I had just mentioned the night before how I would like a brownie. Now those who know me, KNOW how much I dislike Brownies. I could never find one which was moist or even tasted good. Imagine my joy when this package came. I was singing "I'm gonna have a Brownie, I'm gonna have a Brownie" I know a funny gal I am. I didn't hesitate to work up both mixes the same night.

I made the brownies first, since they were my craving. Making the brownies up was quite easy and quick. It only required 3 ingredients plus the packaged mix. Little did I know Ms.JavaGal could smell them baking all the way upstairs. She of course came to investigate. I should say she came to hound me until they were ready for consumption! lol

I had the following people taste them and give their opinion on them.

Mr.~ (Not one to mix words, simply stated)

"Soft, Moist, Tasty the mint isn't overpowering,very good."

Ms.JavaGal~ "I could smell these baking upstairs."

"I like how they taste like fudge at first. You can taste a hint of mint,but it doesn't take away from the chocolate fudge taste."

"I normally don't eat brownies because they are overly sweet, and make me nauseous. I was actually able to enjoy this brownie and not feel bad afterwards."

Lil Love~ "MMMMmmm, this is good Nina" "I like the brownie"

Mr.Java~ He admits to growing up with his mom using semi-sweet chocolate and dark chocolate in her brownies. So his reply was one I thought would be more interesting.

"If I was using the star rating system with 5 being the highest score. I would give this brownie a 4 1/2 stars"

Poetic~ Like I stated above I'm not a brownie eater. I was quite shocked to how soft and tasteful this brownie was. It did smell wonderful while cooking,The batter even smelled good!

I liked how ya could see the chocolate chips in the batter and they remained even after cooking them up. Most times the chips melt into the brownie mix. I personally enjoyed them.

Now for the Lemon Poppy Seed Muffins. I chose to make muffins over the 2 loaves of bread. Because when it comes to making breakfast I like quick things. Muffins are something ya can grab and go. Now making the mix up on this one I was in for a surprise. I didn't expect the batter to be so airy and light! It was extremely fluffy and smelled delightful. The batter reminded me of when ya make beer bread (which I no longer make because of gluten)

The muffins were so pretty when they were done. Here are the reviews on the muffins.

Mr~ "Moist, chewy, and tastful."

Ms. JavaGal~ "Looks yummy, sweet not overly lemon taste just right. I like it!"

Mr. Java~ " Moist lemon taste, Never had anything with poppyseed before, but I enjoyed it. Again 4 1/2 Stars!"

Lil Love~ "This has pepper on it, Nina" After explaining it wasn't pepper she responded with

"Hmmm, ok"

Poetic~ Now I found this muffin to remind me of sweet cornbread at first, then ya taste the lemon. I thought it made for a good breakfast muffin.

So this is the review my family gave on these two products. I suggest if ya can purchase them, to do so. I would truly make them again for my family. Plus it did satisfy my craving for brownies!