Friday, October 25, 2013

~Poe FINALLY Listens~

The above picture was taken if me by my daughter Tashena in January of this year. As ya can see I wasn't the best me I could be. Having injured myself back in 2005, and being laid up for almost a year I gained some weight. Ok, Ok, not some, a ton in my eyes. I have to be honest here, I've always been small. For instance when I was 16, I only weighed 96 lbs. That's not because I was a diet junkie it's just how I was. Then I married that year, had a child the following year and totally ruined my body.
Oh, don't panic I'm not saying I was ruined because I had a child. I'm saying I was stupid and didn't listen to my body. Ya see when I was pregnant I was extremely sick to the point of being down to 65 lbs. The doctors thought I was trying to starve my baby and didn't want to "get fat." But that wasn't the case I assured them. The one thing I feared was what the doctor believeing such foolishness. This doctor (was a fill-in for my doctor) threatened to have me put in the hospital and forced fed. I told him that was unnecessary and I would do my best to gain some weight.
HUGE MISTAKE! Because that fear inside me drove me to abuse my body. I wish I had a Mother who could've guided me on my pregnancy. But those who follow me know my mother wasn't truly a decent mother she was abusive. She was definately out of the question for guidance! So I had to go it alone. I forced myself to consume the fattest foods I could for the calories. Eating three tuna fish sandwhiches with tons of mayo, fast food, etc.. just being reckless.
Even if I got sick (Which I did every time I ate) I would go back and consume more food. What I didn't realize was my body was doing it's job even though I was sick. What I did was send my body into a tailspin. I ended up going from someone who weighed 96 lbs (or 65 lbs if we go by my lowest) to someone who weighed 165 lbs before giving birth.
I did the worst thing I could ever do and that was ignore what my gut was telling me. So I gained weight and when I gave birth I ended up weighing 126 lbs. This was NOT GOOD! I never got back down to a good weight even with breastfeeding. AGAIN, I listened to the doctors who said I had to eat like I was pregnant to help my child.
The following year I gave birth to my daughter Tashena (She's the Photographer & also known here in my blog as Java Girl). I was sick with her as well but not to the extreme as it was with my son. I ended up weighing 123 lbs after her birth. In 1987 I gave birth to my final child and my final weight was 123 lbs. Now I know ya thinking 123 lbs isn't so bad. If I told ya I was only 4 foot 11 and a quarter then ya'd know it's an epic fail! I could've been heavier but I was running when I was pregnant with my youngest, so I often wonder if some of that was muscle mass.
Over the years I gained weight. The one thing I SWORE I would never be is big like my mother. She weighed 600 lbs when I was lil she managed to get down to 300 lbs. I hated the fact she was big, I thought that's what made her evil. Because she was so big she couldn't play games with us. I refused to be that type of mother no matter how big I got.
Well life did what it did & moved quickly. So much so I put myself on the back burner.I put my husband and children first and foremost. HUGE MISTAKE!  Don't get me wrong it's perfectly fine to put ya family first. BUT, not at the expense of YOU! I didn't realize this till way later in life. Yes, I know I'm not THAT old. I just wished I had known what I know now, back then.
You have to realize you only have one body, you need to take care of it. Put yaself at the top of the list. Get up every day and be the best YOU, you can be. Take a walk, write poetry, read a book, anything which makes ya spirit soar. LISTEN to ya inner voice which tells ya that they need ya. I wish I did that.
When my Tashena was pregnant and asked me for advice, here's what I told her. " Ya can listen to the doctors to a point. DO NOT let them bully ya into anything. Because at the end of the day it's you and your body not theirs!" If told her I wanted to share with her what I wish someone had given me. The knowledge to know that doctors are not always right. Had I listened to my inner voice and body, I would not be suffering the effects of what I did to my body so long ago.
I have to say she listened to me and most importantly her body.I was one proud Mama. She didn't have to worry about getting rid of extra weight after the baby (Lil Love)  was born. She was so healthy after having Lil Love that when I tried to do the belly regression pics I only managed one week. UGH! I was jealous!!! Jealous, but proud she took my advice.
Ya probably wondering why I'm rambling on this subject and not my art work. Like I said my artwork is now on This is for the more personal and reflective entries. I did post something last night on Poeception if ya want to take a peak at it.
The reason why I'm writing about my weight is this. I weighed 253 lbs in that picture. That's right, 253! I swear, I didn't realize I was that huge. See it sneaks up on ya. Today I can say I'm not at my goal weight, but I'm a whole lot better. I'm not dieting, I'm listening to my body FINALLY! I don't allow people to dictate when or how I should eat. Every time I do, I get sick. It's not a mental thing it's a disease type thing. So I've grown up since I was 16 and I listen to me and what my body needs.
I will share my weight here with ya. I only started listening to my body in July. I started by drinking water (which I hate because I was forced fed tap water so it was a huge mental block to overcome) I managed to get my pop (soda for those who don't understand what pop is) from 6 two liters a day to maybe if i'm lucky one glass a day. These were the two biggest hurdles I had to overcome. Plus eating when I knew my body couldn't handle the food.
Are ya ready to know how much I weigh?
 I now weigh 196 lbs. That's not a huge drop in weight but it feels like a ton to me. 57 lbs isn't nothing to some people, it is a huge deal for me. I'm finally putting myself first! Finally listening to my body and the signals it's sending.
My whole reason for sharing this entry is to enlighten even one soul. That it's ok to put yaself first. I'm not saying shirk ya responsibilities. But take care of the one thing you only have one of.
If this helps even one person, then I'm happy for exposing myself in this way.

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