Tuesday, March 16, 2010

~Poe's Ponderings~

~Poe's Ponderings~
"The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are for loving in the present"~ Barbara de Angelis
I've been going through something of lately, where I'm not sure how I feel about a certain situation. Most who know me, Know my childhood is one in which to put nicely is the now famous movie "Precious". What I'm dealing with is how I feel about my Mother who gave me life, and allowed my circumstance to happen. Don't get me wrong, I've forgiven her and I hold no hatred for her at all. What I'm pondering is this...My mother is suffering from Alzheimers now and I know she will die. My question is "When the time comes will I be grieving for the Mother who gave me life, or for the relationship we could've had?"
Ya see I was blessed with Mr's parents, They loved me and called me Daughter when they introduced me to others. They gave me love & affection I only dreamed my birth parents could've given me. They were the ones I called Mama & Daddy. Both have passed on and I grieved for them as if they had given me life. We had a bond which is almost non-existent wth in-laws.
When I confronted my Mother many years ago about my abuse, I made a prediction. I told her in order for her to allow what happened to me, She herself had to have endured abuse herself. I didn't expect an answer not was I surprised when she didn't deny nor confirm anything. All she said was "People didn't talk about such things the way they do today" I replied "EXACTLY! That's why people expose it to spare innocent children the life-long flashbacks & nightmares I still deal with. My prediction to her was this... "Ya can either tell me now or tell me later in life what happend to you. One way or another all will be revealed."
My sis and I have a close bond, because we both faced what happened to us and forgave and live in the now. My two other sisters can't move beyond the past, they choose to talk about it constantly whenever I speak to them. I have since disconnected with them, because I can't keep talking about it on a daily basis.
Why do I bring this up today? Because my sis had to rush our Mother to the hospital, she thought this could be the end. Her blood sugars were outta control and she was hallucinating badly. My Mother is home now, But the conversation I had with her was disturbing. The medications they have her on are supposed to stall the disease, but it's excellerating it instead. My sis informed me that our Mother has been beating Da. She won't let him touch her or help her shower like she used to. When my sis was giving her, her shower she was saying "The water is too cold mommy" She believed my sis was her mother. This is so heartbreaking to hear. Sis says she's very hostile to our Da, and she doesn't have the heart to tell Da why our Mothers is doing what she's doing. I told her this was her decision to make. I can't tell sis what or how she should feel in this situation. Our mother is showing and expressing what I and my sis endured. We can see the signs by how she is reacting to certain sitautions.
I spoke with Mr. while he was at work to let him know what was going on. I explained that my emotions upon hearing my mother could be dying, wasn't what I went through when Mama was dying. I found this hard to understand, because I'm not a hateful person. A part of me felt sorry she may die, but I can't explain what my mind was going through. All I could think of was "If this woman dies, Will I be able to feel anything?" "Does this make me an unfeeling, careless, heartless person?"
What kind of person doesn't express sadness if and when their parent should die? Mr. assured me I wasn't any of those things. He also said "Watching the movie "Precious" showed him a glimpse of what I grew up with" "How I survived was by the grace of God" I know I'm not a mean or vindictive person. In fact I took care of my abuser before he died, because other family members would't. He was dying of caner and he told his doctors to only release medical information to me. I was pregnant and in the early months, where smells make ya sick. He was ate up with cancer to the marrow and smelled of death. I still took care of him, he died 6 months later, and I cried for him. Don't ask me to even explain why I cried, I just did. Could it have been for the same reasons I'm thinking about my mother? I have no clue. All I know is deep down I harbor no hatred, I've forgiven all parties involved in my childhood.
But the question remains...
"Will I be grieving for the mother who gave me life or for the relationship we could've had?"


Roberta said...

Of course you are mourning "what could have been" because with the death of this woman goes all hope that you held onto of coming to an "explanation" that you find acceptable for the way your mother mistreated you and your sisters as children. You say that you have "forgiven" your mother/father but it seems to me that you simply found "peace" with it...AND that is fine...don't get me wrong. I commend you for putting this behind you so that you can live in the future. As far as the "alzeimers" making your mothers abuse come to the surface...again I think this is WISHFUL THINKING on your part. I had two grandmothers and one mother-in-law who were not abusive or abused as children and all three of them became angry and agressive as their alzheimers progressed. It's the natural order of the diesease. If you are interested, "Abraham" has a wonderful take on this disease...which is...individuals with this affliction get angry because they choose this path of "least resistance" to exit this life and we as family keep pulling them back...and this really pisses them off. I hope this helps, and I'm only leaving a comment because I have been a reader of yours since we started "Gut Art" together and you are a very, wonderful, beautiful person and artist. "Abraham" also has a wonderful way of dealing with dramatic life situations and it is, "Get Happy, Get In and Get Out (before it gets dramatic and crappy)...in other words...like with your siblings...always have an EXIT strategy when you have to deal with these situations. Take care and remember "this too shall pass"...feel your feelings, get your head around it and when you are ready you'll know. Fondly, Roberta

Eveline said...

Sweetie, does it have to be 'or', or can it be 'and'? You can both mourn the woman who gave you life as well as grieve for the relationship you wished you had with her.
Alzheimers makes it even more difficult to come to peace with what happened in your past, you can't have a conversation with her about what happened or what you were and are feeling if she can't even remember her daughter isn't her mum...

When an old friend of mine who was abused by her father and uncle for many many years told me her father had passed away, I had no idea what to tell her. A year or so later she said she felt hurt that hardly anyone send her any condolences. I had no idea she cried for the beast who rented her to men before she was even 11.. but in the end, he was still her father, and now she will never have the opportunity to talk..

Wishing you all the best. Go with your heart, don't over-analyse.


Jude said...

I Love you Sister, and understand where you are comming from, you say as I have always felt, I have always said to myself, that the hardest thing in life to master is FORGIVENESS, I struggled everyday, but if I ask GOD to forgive me for what ever I may have done wrong, should I not forgive MUM for what she did to me. Let our MUMs be judged by him who is higher than us, than let their (our Mums) actions distroy the good and loving people we are. Dont let it eat us up!
Arohanui X
Jude & Little Sofie

Say It In Color said...

Oh My....I was to read this very entry tonite!!! God is here and he directs us to hear each other who are wisely in His council....to help us....I praise Him for you this very moment!!! I love you in Jesus!! As I went to a family reunion birthday of the last living sweet Aunt....and knew I would have to see my brother, who won't speak to me....mostly and assuredly because I try to keep his actions in the light to help protect others.... I do what others didn't do for me....we had such a nice "mouth sealed" "look the other way" family.....and I just can't do that!! So seeing him and knowing the continual denial in his life with a daughter and other things....I have cried and relived the grief of even my own "Uncle" molestations......and like you....I was wondering if I would grieve when my brother dies....I DO know I will grieve that he couldn't live with true peace in his heart with a Lord that can love and forgive him, if he would only admit and quit....I can and do forgive him even though he has never asked anyone to....it all grieves me all the time.....and so I have to stay away....even from the precious ones , as they all live near each other...I keep a safe emotional distance...but have cried a lot lately after this visit....I grieve while he is still living....what will it be when he dies?...he was my little brother and I am convinced he was abused sexually by this uncle as many little boys were as well....thank goodness the Uncle died in his forties.... but the on going damage seems to never quit.... I DID have fabulous counseling over it a few years ago....and I can only pray and be a VOICE for children or those who are not protected....not everyone loves me for that.....but JESUS does...I love you for this entry and being honest....Blessings and Hugs!!! How is MR?....is he all better?....now to check out the non gluten for my friend in Virginia!!! I need chocolate!!!...again thanks for the entry....my hubby took me for a ride and an ice cream cone....and we talked....he said..."We don't have to go there (to the reunions) anymore....he didn't realize how hard it has become in the later years....and that he understood ...when he didn't fully understand before...."

Say It In Color said...

Oh sweet one, you don't have to publish that last long story....it just all came pouring out....and I can't believe it was the first thing I went to tonite after grieving so much....this month....(and trying to hide it)either way, I think we grieve now, and will later for both reasons....for the loss of the relationship we could have had and missed, and grieve the loss of their life that was so un fullfilled for them....grief that that void was never filled for an eternal life...so hard, but " a broken and contrite heart the Lord does not despise....He comforts the broken hearted..."...Psalms