Wishcasting Wednesday~ Nourish

Wishcasting Wednesday~Nourish~

What do you want to nurish?

This is a good question. All my life I've catered to others needs. I've finally gotten to a place in my life where I need to nurish myself. To focus on my hearts desires. To see that my health is top notch, (which it hasn't been for years due to a parasite) I think to answer this question I would definately say "I want to nurish my health!"

No one can understand (unless they've been through it themselves) the frustrations that come with not being able to just get up and leave ya home any given moment. To just spur of the moment say "Hey, I'd like to take a road trip or go to the mall" Making a simple doctors appointment can be a huge ordeal for me. I have to PLAN EVERYTHING I do. It's hard to live a life which revolves around being sick. I know I've tried everything to be normal again and it hasn't worked.

I have anxiety from it and that only makes it worse. I plan on making an appointment with the doctors to see about getting something for my anxiety, and hopefully this will help. I'm this desperate because I'm not a medicine person. I don't even take my asthma medicine unless I have to! I know my family gets tired of hearing me say "I'm not feeling good" It keeps me from living a fufilled life.
For this Wish I'm wishing to nurish my health and all that entails. Anything to live again.

~Wishcasting Wednesday~

What leap do you wish take?

I wish to leap into my creative soul.

Find the artist within and let her emerge for all the world to see.

~Question For Other Bloggers~

I have a question about a blog I'm folowing.

PLEASE don't click on the link.

http://www.getbuttonedup.com/

I've been following this blog for awhile. But lately when I visit the pages it NEVER FAILS my AVAST Anti-Virus tells me a Virus has been detected and to abort the connection. I have no way of letting this blogger know there's something wrong with her blog. I would want to know if it were me. I feel bad to continue to follow her knowing I can't enjoy her blog because of the virus thing. Is there any way of getting in touch with her without going to her blog? Thanks for any help.

~Lil Love's Special Friend Olivia~

~Lil Love's Special Friend Olivia~

I follow (actually I stalk, lol ) a wonderful lady by the name Rice Freeman-Zachery.
Her blog is http://voodoonotes.blogspot.com/

If ya want to have fun and laugh just read her entries. She's a no nonsense kind of gal, who tells it like it is. LOVE HER! By the way I'm wantcha to know she has a book out!

This is my high five plug for her. She didn't ask me to do it but I am.

I like to support my friends where I can.

The reason why I'm mentioning Rice, is because in one of her entries she posted she wanted to find new homes for old toys she had. One of them happened to be a baby doll. No one claimed the lil baby so I asked Rice if she would send it my way. Because I was sure she would find a loving mama in Lil Love. Rice in her explanation of the baby with pictures she provided said this baby had no eyes. I thought it wouldn't matter to Lil Love. I had told Lil Love that Ms. Rice was going to be sending her a special baby in the mail. I even went so far as to show her the pictures that Rice had posted so she would get an idea of what was to come. Lil Love noticed right away the baby was wearing overalls and had red shoes on. Excuse me her exact words were "Nina that baby is wearing rojo shoes" I smiled and said yes her shoes are red. I asked her what color were the overalls and she said "verde" (which means green in Spanish) Lil Love surprises me every day.

When the package came I was excited. I couldn't wait to see what Lil Love thought of the new baby. Unfortunately I had to wait till she woke from her nap. When she did, I told her that her special prize from Ms. Rice had come. We opened the box and Lil Love picked up the postcard. I read the note Rice had written. "Thank you for giving the baby a home!" Lil Love said "Ya welcome!" lol She slowly removed the tissue paper covering the baby. And the first thing she did when she took her out of the box was hug her! I took pictures of her with the new baby but I won't bore ya with them except for the one above. She immediately asked what the babys name was. We told her she needed to pick one, She chose Olivia for her. She then asked where the babys eyes were and Mama and I explained she was a blind baby who couldn't see. Her reply "That's why she's special!" She took Olivia's hand and said "Nice to meetcha Olivia" Her Mama and I smiled.

What amazed me about Lil Love was how she asked for "Quinn" (it's my Ipod she named) Then she sat on my bed got comfy. And with her arm wrapped around Olivia she explained to Olivia how to play games on Nina's Ipod. She played Curious George and described every picture and the colors to Olivia. She spoke to Olivia about everything that was going on with each game she played. She gave Olivia kisses and hugs and was very happy to have a new friend. Lil Love even went so far as to introduce her to our kitty Elan.

I'm am thrilled to let Rice know that her baby found a very loving home with Lil Love. It goes to show ya that children have no objections to people who are different. Most adults could learn a thing or two from a child. Lil Love showed her Mama and me how huge her heart is and I'm proud to say she's my Lil Love.

Note to Rice:

Thank ya ever so much for bringing joy into Lil Love's life. She's absolutely adores Olivia. It's because of you she has a new friend. Thanks for being generous in sending her our way.

Hugs, Poe

~Mourning~

~Mourning~

When the time comes for ya to breathe ya last breath, Will ya have any regrets about how ya lived ya life? I'm not speaking of the "I regret I didn't kiss Billy Bob Johnny while I had the chance." or "I wished I had been a mechanic instead of a dentist." What I'm asking is when the time comes for ya to meet God will ya have any regrets on how ya lived ya life in regards to others?

My Mother passed away today. April 3, 2010. She was in all sense and purpose the woman who gave me life. Most people know I grew up abused and most of it at her hands. This is in no way to pay her back by bashing her, Far from it. I'm writing this to enlighten people about moving forward with ya life with no regrets. I hid my abuse from everyone when I was growing up. Not even my closest friends in school knew my dark secret. I lived a life of fake smiles and happiness, Because I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me. I shoved my feelings deep down and put others first. Believing if I could make them happy then what I endured was a small price to pay. I never believed I was entitled to any happiness, just misery. Every day I begged God to send me someone who could love me no matter what. I didn't know as a child my Mother & Father loved me to the best of their abilities. Right or Wrong in their mind they loved me.

It wasn't until I married and had children of my own that I learned why I endured all the abuse. One day I felt a strong conviction to confront my Mother. I had written a letter before hand, Fear that I might have forgotten to mention certain situations in my rush to expell all I was feeling. She read my letter first and then laid it on the table and replied "Well, what do ya want me to say?" I wasn't shocked by her response. I just told her I needed her to forgive me for the past. I truly believe that's the first time I ever shocked my Mother. She asked me why and I explained. "The forgiveness is for every time I wished ya dead, or hit by a huge mack truck while growing up. For every time ya laid ya hands on me or allowed my sexual abuse to go on. For the nightmares & flashbacks I still endure. I need to be forgiven for all the hate I sent ya way." She forgave me even though she didn't think she needed to forgive me, that it was her that needed to ask me to forgive her. Then she enlightened me about what she had learned. "People didn't talk about such things like they do now. I did what I was taught, and my parents did before me. Doesn't make it right, it's just how things were. I'm sorry for everything."

People need to learn something. When ya hate someone, that person has no idea ya hating them. They're out living their life while ya waste yas hating them. So when ya ask someone to forgive ya it's not so much for them as it is for the release and pace of mind to yaself.

My Mother may not have been the best parent, Yet I learned to forgive her for how I grew up. I was able to have a relationship with her that was cordial. My Mother was dying from Alzheimers. I didn't see her while she was this way. The last time I seen my Mother it was really good. I could tell she was in the beginning stages of her disease. I wanted to remember my Mother as she was in that moment. Not her not knowing who I was. I guess apart of me was afraid it would bring back those times as a child of being ignored, and that I didn't matter to her. I wanted to remember a good memory of her. One where she was laughing at me for a dare I pulled off much to my sis Anita's dismay. My sis had dared me to wear a doo rag on my head and a bra & thong over my clothes and walk around her apartment complex.Then I was to knock on my parents door to show them, She had my other sister follow me to make sure I did it. My Mother about fell over with laughter at the sight of me. Believe me I was a total mess! My Da told her "I always knew ya dropped her more then once!" We had dinner,played cards and just laughed. I didn't want that memory to be replaced with her not remembering me. Does this make me a bad person for not going to see her? NO! Why? Because I know the last time I was with my Mother she hugged me and told me she loved me. That means more to me then having my last memory of her wasting away in forgetfullness. Some people think I'm a horrible person for not seeing her, She was after all my Mother. But deep down I have no regrets, I know if given the choice my Mother would not have wanted any of us (My Da included) to see her die this was. She was ever the strong Italian, Native American woman.

I have some good memories of my Mother from when I was lil. How she took me to King's Daughter's Hospital for my leg braces and we stopped at Arthur Treacher's Fish & Chips for lunch on the way home. "Don't tell ya siblings, it's out secret" she would say. How she stood up for me when a teacher expelled me for writing Jr. on an app test. She made the teacher apologise to me in front of the class, after she showed her my birth certificate which clearly said Poe Jr. (Blame my Da he said I looked like her and filled the birth certificate out) I also remember her asking me "Do ya even know who ya are?" Because I had answered to Anita's name. I told her "Nope, it's ya fault too! For 6 weeks ya called me Cassandra, and then ya find out I'm Poe what gives?" She would always laugh when that got brought up. There are some good memories that Anita and I joke about from time to time.

Would I have changed my childhood, If ya had asked me growing up I would've screamed yes. But knowing what all I learned by enduring what I did, I would say no. I learned to not take real love for granted. To accept that God had his hand in all of my childhood. He blessed me with a man who thinks I'm the next best thing to sliced bread. He loves me with all my imperfections. He walked into my life when I was 13 and I was smitten from the first sight of him. He still owns me heart and soul 30 years later. I was blessed with 3 beautiful children, that I raised without abuse. They were loved, protected and cherished. God blessed me with talents of art and poetry. A way to express myself through all my hurts and fears. I'm not saying I appreciated my abuse, I'm saying I learned to break the cycle, It ended with me!

No one can tell another person how to grieve or how to deal with a death. Ya can only do what's best for you. I know in my heart my Mother knew I loved her the best I could, just like she loved me the best she could. For that I have NO REGRETS. She is my Mother and I will always have a part of her with me. I am after all her namesake.

I Love Ya Ma

~ Always~

Rest In Peace Now

~It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn~

~It's Always Darkest Before The Dawn~

Just a short update on what I'm going through.

1st~ Mr. He's due to have another surgery on Thursday the 25th. He came home yesterday and today complaining of more pain. NOT a good sign so I'm worried, trying not to be. Hopefully this surgery could be his last and he'll be healed. I'm tired of seeing him in pain.

2nd~ My Mother (birth) isn't doing very well. My sis said the doctor talked with them about what heroic measures should be taken for her. They said her brain has shrunk because of the Alzheimers. I can't go into detail of what all she's doing it's hard for me right now. I know my Da signed papers for them to not give her feeding tubes & such. He knows he's losing her after 52 years of marriage. He doesn't want to see her suffer any longer. According to my sis and the doctor it could be any day.

A part of me wants to see her. But a part of me doesn't want to remember her, without her remembering me. Sick huh? I want to keep the memory I have of our last time together. Where she was laughing at me for a dare my sis gave me. Will enlighten ya later on that.

I'm trying to keep my face in the sun, trying desperately to keep from finding the darkness in all of what I'm going through. I know it's always darkest before the dawn. I try to keep reminding myself that.

~Poe's Ponderings~

~Poe's Ponderings~

"The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are for loving in the present"~ Barbara de Angelis

I've been going through something of lately, where I'm not sure how I feel about a certain situation. Most who know me, Know my childhood is one in which to put nicely is the now famous movie "Precious". What I'm dealing with is how I feel about my Mother who gave me life, and allowed my circumstance to happen. Don't get me wrong, I've forgiven her and I hold no hatred for her at all. What I'm pondering is this...My mother is suffering from Alzheimers now and I know she will die. My question is "When the time comes will I be grieving for the Mother who gave me life, or for the relationship we could've had?"

Ya see I was blessed with Mr's parents, They loved me and called me Daughter when they introduced me to others. They gave me love & affection I only dreamed my birth parents could've given me. They were the ones I called Mama & Daddy. Both have passed on and I grieved for them as if they had given me life. We had a bond which is almost non-existent wth in-laws.

When I confronted my Mother many years ago about my abuse, I made a prediction. I told her in order for her to allow what happened to me, She herself had to have endured abuse herself. I didn't expect an answer not was I surprised when she didn't deny nor confirm anything. All she said was "People didn't talk about such things the way they do today" I replied "EXACTLY! That's why people expose it to spare innocent children the life-long flashbacks & nightmares I still deal with. My prediction to her was this... "Ya can either tell me now or tell me later in life what happend to you. One way or another all will be revealed."

My sis and I have a close bond, because we both faced what happened to us and forgave and live in the now. My two other sisters can't move beyond the past, they choose to talk about it constantly whenever I speak to them. I have since disconnected with them, because I can't keep talking about it on a daily basis.

Why do I bring this up today? Because my sis had to rush our Mother to the hospital, she thought this could be the end. Her blood sugars were outta control and she was hallucinating badly. My Mother is home now, But the conversation I had with her was disturbing. The medications they have her on are supposed to stall the disease, but it's excellerating it instead. My sis informed me that our Mother has been beating Da. She won't let him touch her or help her shower like she used to. When my sis was giving her, her shower she was saying "The water is too cold mommy" She believed my sis was her mother. This is so heartbreaking to hear. Sis says she's very hostile to our Da, and she doesn't have the heart to tell Da why our Mothers is doing what she's doing. I told her this was her decision to make. I can't tell sis what or how she should feel in this situation. Our mother is showing and expressing what I and my sis endured. We can see the signs by how she is reacting to certain sitautions.

I spoke with Mr. while he was at work to let him know what was going on. I explained that my emotions upon hearing my mother could be dying, wasn't what I went through when Mama was dying. I found this hard to understand, because I'm not a hateful person. A part of me felt sorry she may die, but I can't explain what my mind was going through. All I could think of was "If this woman dies, Will I be able to feel anything?" "Does this make me an unfeeling, careless, heartless person?"

What kind of person doesn't express sadness if and when their parent should die? Mr. assured me I wasn't any of those things. He also said "Watching the movie "Precious" showed him a glimpse of what I grew up with" "How I survived was by the grace of God" I know I'm not a mean or vindictive person. In fact I took care of my abuser before he died, because other family members would't. He was dying of caner and he told his doctors to only release medical information to me. I was pregnant and in the early months, where smells make ya sick. He was ate up with cancer to the marrow and smelled of death. I still took care of him, he died 6 months later, and I cried for him. Don't ask me to even explain why I cried, I just did. Could it have been for the same reasons I'm thinking about my mother? I have no clue. All I know is deep down I harbor no hatred, I've forgiven all parties involved in my childhood.

But the question remains...

"Will I be grieving for the mother who gave me life or for the relationship we could've had?"