~Wishcasting Wednesday:What Do You Wish To Fly Free From?~
The above picture is of Mama when she was lil. Today October 13th, 2010 makes 3 years that Mama passed away. No one in my family mentioned this fact. I alone with my many thoughts knew this day was coming. To me it's as if it just happened. I put on my happy face and pretended that this was just any other day. Little does my family know that I'm still in pieces over the fact she's gone. I have many questions on how I can still be in this much pain over a woman who isn't my biological Mama, but technically my Mother In Law. How the woman who did give birth to me died April 3rd, 2010 and I don't have tears for her.
Does this make me a hateful person? Does this make me odd?
Trust me there's plenty more questions.
Don't get me wrong, I shed some tears for my birth mother, But it wasn't but for a couple of days. Sounds sick doesn't it? The tears for my Mama flow freely even now. Every time I think of her I tear up and the hurt is present. Mama was a sweet, loving lady, who showed me daily how much she loved me. I think it's the hugs and kisses I miss, How she could hug me so hard that I could feel it long after the hug has ended. When she hugged me I would inhale the scent of her.
She smelled of her favorite perfume Shalimar.
Mr. knowing how much I loved the scent bought me some. A beautiful gesture on his part. But I long to have the smell on Mama and not me. My one wish to fly free from is the deep grief I feel even after three years. To accept that she's gone from me physically but she's definately apart of me. To remember the love she lavished on me, was her way of letting me know she loved me. To recall with ever deep bear hug she gave me how she told me over & over how much she loved me. To know that her final words to me were, I prayed for a daughter and God gave me you. Remember this and never forget, My daughter you'll always be. I Love You"
Doesn't make it easier on me, the pain is truly deep inside. But I want to try and find some time for me, to really face all of my emotions that I'm still feeling with her being gone. She was and will ALWAYS be MY MAMA, the one who loved me beyond the fact I wasn't her biological child.
I miss ya Mama.
I love ya Mama.
Always & Forever,