~Poe's Ponderings~

~Poe's Ponderings~

"The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are for loving in the present"~ Barbara de Angelis

I've been going through something of lately, where I'm not sure how I feel about a certain situation. Most who know me, Know my childhood is one in which to put nicely is the now famous movie "Precious". What I'm dealing with is how I feel about my Mother who gave me life, and allowed my circumstance to happen. Don't get me wrong, I've forgiven her and I hold no hatred for her at all. What I'm pondering is this...My mother is suffering from Alzheimers now and I know she will die. My question is "When the time comes will I be grieving for the Mother who gave me life, or for the relationship we could've had?"

Ya see I was blessed with Mr's parents, They loved me and called me Daughter when they introduced me to others. They gave me love & affection I only dreamed my birth parents could've given me. They were the ones I called Mama & Daddy. Both have passed on and I grieved for them as if they had given me life. We had a bond which is almost non-existent wth in-laws.

When I confronted my Mother many years ago about my abuse, I made a prediction. I told her in order for her to allow what happened to me, She herself had to have endured abuse herself. I didn't expect an answer not was I surprised when she didn't deny nor confirm anything. All she said was "People didn't talk about such things the way they do today" I replied "EXACTLY! That's why people expose it to spare innocent children the life-long flashbacks & nightmares I still deal with. My prediction to her was this... "Ya can either tell me now or tell me later in life what happend to you. One way or another all will be revealed."

My sis and I have a close bond, because we both faced what happened to us and forgave and live in the now. My two other sisters can't move beyond the past, they choose to talk about it constantly whenever I speak to them. I have since disconnected with them, because I can't keep talking about it on a daily basis.

Why do I bring this up today? Because my sis had to rush our Mother to the hospital, she thought this could be the end. Her blood sugars were outta control and she was hallucinating badly. My Mother is home now, But the conversation I had with her was disturbing. The medications they have her on are supposed to stall the disease, but it's excellerating it instead. My sis informed me that our Mother has been beating Da. She won't let him touch her or help her shower like she used to. When my sis was giving her, her shower she was saying "The water is too cold mommy" She believed my sis was her mother. This is so heartbreaking to hear. Sis says she's very hostile to our Da, and she doesn't have the heart to tell Da why our Mothers is doing what she's doing. I told her this was her decision to make. I can't tell sis what or how she should feel in this situation. Our mother is showing and expressing what I and my sis endured. We can see the signs by how she is reacting to certain sitautions.

I spoke with Mr. while he was at work to let him know what was going on. I explained that my emotions upon hearing my mother could be dying, wasn't what I went through when Mama was dying. I found this hard to understand, because I'm not a hateful person. A part of me felt sorry she may die, but I can't explain what my mind was going through. All I could think of was "If this woman dies, Will I be able to feel anything?" "Does this make me an unfeeling, careless, heartless person?"

What kind of person doesn't express sadness if and when their parent should die? Mr. assured me I wasn't any of those things. He also said "Watching the movie "Precious" showed him a glimpse of what I grew up with" "How I survived was by the grace of God" I know I'm not a mean or vindictive person. In fact I took care of my abuser before he died, because other family members would't. He was dying of caner and he told his doctors to only release medical information to me. I was pregnant and in the early months, where smells make ya sick. He was ate up with cancer to the marrow and smelled of death. I still took care of him, he died 6 months later, and I cried for him. Don't ask me to even explain why I cried, I just did. Could it have been for the same reasons I'm thinking about my mother? I have no clue. All I know is deep down I harbor no hatred, I've forgiven all parties involved in my childhood.

But the question remains...

"Will I be grieving for the mother who gave me life or for the relationship we could've had?"